What Keeps Us From Changing (Even When We’re Ready)
A personal look at control, universal needs, and the framework that helped me see what was really going on
I’ve always been a huge advocate of therapy. Over the past few years, therapy has helped me become more self-aware, better at regulating my emotions, and, most importantly, unlearn many of the unhelpful processing patterns I developed in childhood.
So when I saw the Executive Coaching class offered at Columbia, I was especially curious to understand how coaching differs from therapy. The two seemed so similar. (For those wondering: therapy often focuses on unpacking the past, while coaching is more future-focused. It’s about achieving goals or improving performance in a specific area.)
I’ve always loved practical frameworks and tangible takeaways. In therapy, I often asked for worksheets or CBT tools I could try. There’s something reassuring about having tools in your back pocket when sh*t hits the fan. It’s the controlling side of my personality, the one that wants to be prepared, to feel capable, to avoid surprises.
But noticing those patterns in myself, especially around control—wasn’t enough. I needed something to help me go deeper, to understand what was fueling them beneath the surface. That’s where the Immunity to Change framework came in.
Why I Created My Own Immunity to Change Map
In class, we worked with a framework called the Immunity to Change Map, developed by Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey. It’s designed to help you uncover the unconscious ways you protect yourself from the very changes you say you want.
Here’s the twist: you’re not resisting change because there’s a lack of willpower. You’re resisting it because part of you thinks it’s dangerous.
When I used this framework to explore my need for control, here’s what came up:
My Immunity to Change Map: Control Edition
Find a downloadable pdf at the bottom of the post, if you are interested in trying it out!
After laying everything out, I realized my need for control wasn’t just about perfectionism or efficiency, it was about protecting deeper needs. Things like being seen, acknowledged, and feeling a sense of consistency. These were emotional anchors I didn’t always know I was trying to protect.
If you look at the chart below, it lists Universal Human Needs, which are core drivers we all share, even if we sometimes cover them up with survival strategies like control, overworking, or staying quiet. We might mistake these needs for flaws or overreactions, when really, they’re valid human experiences.
Understanding these needs gave me more compassion for the part of me that resists change.
Turning Self-Awareness into New Habits
Seeing your big assumptions is powerful. But what do you do with them?
Start by experimenting with small, intentional shifts. For example:
If you often offer solutions too quickly, pause and ask, “What do you think is needed here?” and give space for others to respond before jumping in.
These may feel uncomfortable at first, your mind might scream that you’re being irresponsible or inefficient. But that discomfort is often a sign that you’re stepping out of your old protective strategy.
You start small. You notice the pattern. You test a different approach in a low-stakes way. And then you reflect. Did the worst actually happen? What might be possible if you did it again?
Change doesn’t come from forcing yourself to be different overnight. It comes from slowly, gently collecting new evidence for you to make new decisions.
And most importantly: be kind to the part of you that resists. It showed up to protect you. Now you get to decide if it still needs to.
Seeing Resistance Differently, In Ourselves and in Others
Learning more about why we resist change can also help us better understand why others might be hesitant too. Whether it’s a team member pushing back on a new process or a friend avoiding feedback, that resistance often comes from a place of protection, not defiance.
When we recognize that, we can lead and influence more effectively—not through pressure, but through empathy.
Here are two pdfs mentioned in the post, feel free to download them…
